BOB THE VULTURE
The Gut Reaper
Bob the Vulture circles above every startup with dollar signs in his eyes and spreadsheets in his claws. He doesn’t build. He doesn’t innovate. He acquires, dismembers, and sells for parts—then flaps off before the wreckage hits the headlines. To Bob, every business is a carcass just waiting to be monetized. He’s charming, eloquent, and deeply full of crap.
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Catchphrases:
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“Growth at all costs, baby.”
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“Can’t spell vulture without venture.”
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“I see great exit potential in your pain.”
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“This brand’s got guts. Let’s sell ‘em.”
BOB THE VULTURE
Distortion: The Distortion of Venture Capitalism
Origin Story (Bio):
Bob hatched in a nest of billion-dollar buzzwords and IPO fumes. Raised on TED Talks and TEDx lies, he was mentored by the ghost of late-stage capitalism itself. After a failed attempt to create a mindfulness app that gamified gaslighting, Bob found his true calling: gutting beloved companies and profiting from the despair.
Likes:
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Shark Tank reruns
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Acquisition press releases
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Burnout disguised as hustle
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NFT tax write-offs
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Buzzwords: Disrupt. Pivot. Scale. Monetize. Exit.
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Pensions he can take
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​Dislikes:
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Unions
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Transparency
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Whistleblowers
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Anything that takes longer than one quarter to profit
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Feelings
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Signature Moves:
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The Downsize Drive: Swoops in, fires 40% of a company, declares it “leaner.”
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Brand Necromancy: Acquires beloved bankrupt brands and zombifies them for ad revenue.
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Golden Parachute Punchline: Always exits with a laugh—and a bonus.
Bonus Lore:
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Bob’s feathers are always perfectly slicked, even mid-scandal. Some say he uses startup founder tears as conditioner.
🦅Bob's
Favorites:
​Residence:
A repurposed WeWork nest stacked with foreclosure documents, motivational posters, and the broken dreams of failed startups.
Transportation:
A gilded electric scooter labeled "UberElite Exec Access", which he never charges himself—just swaps for newer ones daily.