Fair and balanced... at least for one side.
DUCK NEWS
Scare Tactics 2.0: Local Strawman Unveils Bold New Plot to Terrify Duck Ridge
💋 OnlyDucks — Vivian Vixen's VIP Vault
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“It’s not exploitation. It’s empowerment… with filters.”
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“The market is a canvas. You’re the brush. We take 27%.”
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“Sign the waiver. We’ll only own your data for 100 years. Maybe 101 if you’re interesting.”
🦁 LEO — The Lion, The Light, The Legend
He saw the stars. He heard the echoes. He went on one ayahuasca retreat and now he’s the Messiah.
Join his daily livestream: “Roar to Ascend”
“The path to salvation costs $14.99/month. Cancel anytime (but we know you won’t).”
🦅 Senator Slipstream for Re-Election
This time, he means it. Maybe.
A bold new vision: “Possibly Slightly Better Things for Some.”
Endorsed by 3 out of 5 political consultants who didn’t read the full memo.
“Vote Slipstream — Because Change Might Happen This Time. I Promise.”
By Intern Clippy Featherly, currently unpaid
Duck Ridge — Local scarecrow and part-time existentialist Aaron has once again ignited controversy with his latest plan to "shatter the comfort illusions" of Duck Ridge residents. Standing at the edge of Town Hall (despite repeated trespassing warnings), Aaron unrolled a 27-foot scroll detailing a new multi-phase “fearwave initiative.”
“This time, I’ve calibrated the resonance. The terror will be archetypal,” Aaron muttered, wind whistling through his hollow chest cavity. “The ducks will finally understand what lurks beneath.”
The Plan Includes:
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Planting emotional tripwires in public parks.
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Launching a fear-based podcast called “The Crow Screams Twice” featuring no actual audio, just static and eerie silence.
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Replacing all duck crossing signs with mirrors.
Witnesses reported seeing Aaron chasing after schoolchildren with copies of a homemade zine titled “Love Is a Lie: A Strawman’s Manifesto.” The zine contains poems, diagrams of shadow realms, and at least one incorrect usage of the word “quantum.”
Tina said she gave it a skim:
“It’s basically Tumblr meets conspiracy thread. I liked the font, though.”
Bossy refused comment, but was seen installing fresh garlic strands around the fountain “just in case.”
Stux reportedly asked Where he could get that "cool costume", not realizing Aaron is a literal evil scarecrow. hes not a spirit halloween costume.
When asked what would happen if this plan failed, Aaron replied,
“Then we escalate to Crowform Protocol.”
No one knows what that means, but it definitely sounds illegal.
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AJENDA'S FACTS
🌀 The Lilypad Loophole
“All taxes are fake if paid while standing on a lilypad. Maritime law. Look it up.”
🧂 Salt Fluoride Mind Dust
“Ducktown’s salt shakers are filled with fluoride-laced nano-dust that keeps the townsfolk docile and emotionally available. Coincidence? Or... conditioning?”
🛰️duck ridge isn't on the map
try to find it on gps. you won't. because it moves.
📡 The Moon Quacks Back
“The moon isn’t a rock. It’s a listening device shaped like a crescent to funnel our thoughts back to the Duck Illuminati. Why else do you feel weird on full moons?”
🕊️ Pigeon's aren't birds
“Did you know that pigeons aren't real birds? That's right. Every "pigeon" you see cooing on a park bench, strutting through a city square, or swooping down for a discarded french fry is, in fact, a highly sophisticated surveillance drone deployed by an lumen's organization"
🦆 STUX WAS REPLACED in 2019
“the real stux would never wear mismatched floaties. this one eats crayons and remembers nothing. listen to his honk its changed!! wake up sheeple!!!!"
BUCK'S 🦍 Alpha Actualized
"Advice so powerful, your biceps will weep."
🐤 “Real leaders don’t ask questions. They grunt and see what follows.”
👊 “Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror until one of you submits.”
🧢 “If she cries during an argument, you win.”
📉 “Therapy? My gym is my therapist. He charges in blood.”
💔 “Breakups aren’t real. She just forgot who the prize was.”
🚨 “Alpha rule #28: Never back down. Especially if you’re wrong.”
📉 Badger’s Stock Tips
"Dig deep. Buy worse."
And here's a batch of gloriously
unhinged, possibly criminal
stock tips straight from
everyone's least-trustworthy
woodland investor:
💼 “Invest in FaxCoin
— the world’s first crypto
backed by fax machines.
Retro is in.”
🛢️ “Oil’s out. The future is pond grease. I’ve bought barrels.”
🏛️ “Trust me: RadioShack’s making a comeback. They tweeted once last month.”
🧻 “Toilet paper futures. I’ve got 800 rolls in a storage unit. Inflation-proof.”
🎰 “Bet it all on Qasino. It’s a blockchain-based gambling app run by a guy I met in jail. That’s real world experience.”
🚀 “Stocks are for cowards. I put my 401k into moon rocks. NASA can’t stop all of us.”
🍌 “Invest in BananaCoin. It’s pegged to the price of a single banana in Belize.”
🐦 “Twitter’s already had its collapse. Time to double down. I bought 300 blue checks on layaway.”
Lana's Concerns
🦆 OPINION: “Faith, Freedom & Fireworks”
By Reverend Ezekiel Honkabee, Duck Ridge’s Chosen Lightbringer
“As it is written in the Book of Honk 17:4 — ‘And lo, the duck who questioned tradition was cast into the shallow end, for his feathers were soft and his beliefs squishy.’”
Let me be clear: I love Duck Ridge. Not like those tofu-eating pond skeptics who want to replace our hymnbooks with pronouns and our flag with a QR code. No, I love this town the right way—through selective scripture, American-made fireworks, and prayer-led legislation.
Lately, I’ve seen a troubling rise in what I call “Wokeness in Wingtips.” You’ve seen them—ducks with feather dye, whispering about “inclusive zoning” and “feelings.” Listen, feelings are what caused the Fall. And the only zoning I believe in is the Good Book's zoning: Heaven above, Hell below, and Duck Ridge in the exact center.
The leftist media (read: The Beacon) would have you believe truth is a matter of “fact.” Well, my truth comes from two sources: the Lord Almighty and my uncle’s Facebook page. And both told me the same thing: if we let these lily-livered liberals legalize thinking, next thing you know we’ll be marrying turtles and saluting rainbows.
Ask yourself this: who built this town? Patriots. God-fearing, duck-call-blowing, casserole-bringing patriots. And who’s trying to ruin it? A raccoon in a wizard hat, a dragon with delusions, and a scarecrow who’s never held a job. You do the math. (I won’t—I was homeschooled in math by scripture.)
Now they want to separate Church and Pond? Not on my webbed watch. Duck Ridge was founded on Faith, Freedom & Fireworks, and as long as I have a microphone, a pulpit, and a crate of emergency sparklers, I’ll fight for all three.
Vote Honkabee for everything.
“Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the loud, for they shall win debates.’ — Matthew 5:15, probably”
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“Why is the lemonade stand accepting Venmo? What are they hiding?”
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“I saw a duck jaywalk and no one did anything. I took a photo. You’re welcome.”
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“The HOA newsletter used Comic Sans again. I’m calling the mayor.”
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"Stux keeps touching my lawn. I'VE HAD ENOUGH"
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"That 'viral' video of me in that argument never happened..it was deepfake."
HONKABEE FOR PRESIDENT
*paid for by
Baron Von Shelle Industries
Porto's Bank
Quacknited Healthcare
🐿️ Ask Pam: Tiny Crimes, Big Feelings
“Evil isn’t about scale. It’s about commitment.”
Dear Pam,
My roommate keeps stealing my almond milk. Should I poison it?
—Frustrated in Fridgeville
Pam Says:
No, dear. Too messy. Instead, replace it with expired oat milk. Every time. Evil is repetition.
Dear Pam,
I’m in love with a hen who’s dating a rooster from law school. How do I break them up?
—Heartsick & Hateful
Pam Says:
Easy. Start a rumor that he uses Bing. No hen will mate with a Bing-user. Trust me.
Dear Pam,
What’s a subtle way to ruin someone’s day without getting caught?
—Micro-Menacing in Meadowvale
Pam Says:
Adjust their clocks by 11 minutes. Not 10. Eleven. Chaos with plausible deniability.
Dear Pam,
Is it too evil to keep borrowing my neighbor’s hose and returning it slightly kinked?
—Hose Hustler
Pam Says:
Not evil enough. Tie one elegant knot and claim it was a blessing knot. Then walk away whistling.
💄LADY PUFFINGTONS
GOSSIP CORNER
My little birdies told me...
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“I’m not saying Porco’s wine-tasting went poorly, but if your sommelier weeps mid-pour, it’s time to switch to boxed.”
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“Vivian Vixen claims she’s ‘taking time to heal.’ Translation: she got dumped and now she’s hexing his duckpond.”
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“Rumor has it Senator Slipstream’s toupee is sentient and lobbying for its own seat.”
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“Debbie wore leopard print to a funeral again. Someone please tell her the deceased wasn’t wild about her.”
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“I saw Lana Karen at the farmer’s market arguing with an onion about politics. The onion won.”
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“Aaron the Strawman unveiled his latest fear campaign, and the only ones scared were the fonts on his pamphlet.”
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“Justice Goose was spotted leaving Tina’s place at 3AM with bedfeathers and a guilty honk. I’m just saying.”
— Until next time, darlings, remember: I don’t make the drama. I just narrate it with impeccable diction.
💔 Seeking: A Queen Who Knows Her Place
By ChaTMOLEHILL, proud 43-year-old truth teller, alpha in waiting, and self-published poet
About Me:
I live in my mom’s converted BASEMENT (for the privacy), bench 95 (on good days), and moderate three anonymous forums dedicated to the truth about modern duckmatriarchy. I’m a sapiosexual, meaning I value intelligence—just not when it disagrees with me.
My Ideal Mate:
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Must be under 24 (mental age optional)
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Must not have had “a phase”
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Must cook, clean, and understand that emotional labor is just whining
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Must love anime and be willing to cosplay as “Lady Beakona” from my unpublished fantasy novel
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Must be aT LEAST A 9/)0!!!!
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Must not ask questions like “what’s your job?” or “are you emotionally available?”
Bonus if: You have never heard of GhostWolf, LOVE TO DO OTHERS LAUNDRY, and have “natural” feathers.
Apply via encrypted message board: quackzone.freeforums.truthlove.redpill
Serious inquiries only. I don’t chase—I attract. And if you’re not chasing me, that’s society’s fault. 🥲
The Fineprint (By Bucky Fineprint)
They told you there were hidden fees,
You nodded - lost in fantasies.
The APR was just a tease,
Now we own your boat. And knees.
A clause so small, a pen can't see it.
But you agreed. You did. You see it.
We smiled. You signed.
Your fault, not ours.
we also own your fridge
Correction from last weeks issue
*In last weeks issue of Duck News, we reported that Senator Slipstream "succesfully solved world hunger and world peace". That was in fact not accurate, but oh well the elections over. Whoopsies.
We don't spin the truth. We throttle it. Screaming is the new knowing.
This paper is proudly owned by
Baron Von Shellz
